Post by untilthis.echo on Feb 5, 2007 20:00:57 GMT -5
Author's Notes: Another one-shot by me with another dash of dark theme, which is misery and angst. Inspired by Spill Canvas's song Self-Conclusion.
Disclaimer: Once again, I don't own the characters in this piece. They belong to their respective company, Sunrise.
WARNING: Implied character death. Cursing. Implied one-sided slash. No flames please. Constructive criticism is welcome. PG-13.
Self-Conclusion
~~~
Someone once told me that the most beautiful thing in the world was to live life. What a sorry ass bitch. Life is Hell on Earth. Living isn't beautiful, it's torture. Those life lovers would probably kill me for saying that, damn hippies. Heh, I've probably already had too much to drink. Oh well. My hand grips the thick glass of the beer on the counter and brings it to my mouth. By now I've gotten used to the bitter taste, after having about eight of them. I'm surprised I'm not passed out on the floor yet, I never did hold my liquor well. A thud next to me makes my eyes glance sideways. A man who was sitting a couple of stools away from me just collapsed and started snoring on the floor. The bartender didn't look pleased. I shrugged it off, not my problem.
I turn back to my beer, feeling the liquid sear my throat as it washes down my mouth. Disgusting, but my body's become accustomed to it and it's now starting to crave it. I snarl and try not to hack out the bitter tart taste. The bartender looks at me from where he's washing a glass. He raises an eyebrow on his weathered face, blue-grey eyes and silver eyebrows setting into a frown, "Lass I think you've had enough."
I drink another large swallow from my large glass before I answer him. My ruby eyes are shut tight and my chestnut bangs veil my face partly. I pull back the glass and set him with as much a glare as I can in a drunken state, "Not enough 'til I'm passed out on the floor like that guy."
I gesture rather clumsily to the man snoring on the floor. The old bartender glances at him briefly, before setting his blue gaze back on me. He stares at me for a second, frown familiar to those of my professors at the university I go to. He looks like those old men lecturing the pupils when they've down something wrong. I grunt, unimpressed. His old gaze pierces into my drunken blood red one before he sighs, runs a hand through his cropped silver hair, and turns back to washing cups.
Bastard. I glare at his back before shuffling in my purse for the money I owe for those beer glasses. Pulling out enough bills, I rise to my feet. Maybe too quickly, I think as my hands reach shakily for the stool as the world spins briefly. My gasp attracts the bartender and he gives me an 'I told you so' look. I glare back again. By now even I have noticed my foul mood, as I walk to the door of the bar. My dark trench coat brushes by a few tables and chairs as I tug on my black scarf. I wish I hadn't worn one, it's far too hot this night.
Before I reach the handle of the door, the old man's voice rises above the noise of the bar, "Ey lass, you really shouldn't go off driving alone. You'll crash 'r something."
"To Hell with that," I snap back. Why should he care what happens to me? I don't. I crane my neck to give him another bloody glare, "You don't even know me."
Then I twist the knob and stumble out into the night, boots making too much noise for my aggravated head. Smoothing out the wrinkles in my pale yellow turtleneck and the creases in my dark jeans, I stride to my car, still stumbling all the way and climb in.
~~~
Rain pours down on the hood of my car as my ruby eyes strain to look through the front window of my car. Bad time to drive. Bad time to drink. damnit. My hand reaches up as my head starts to pound. Why did I decide to go out alone on this night? And why to a bar of all places? Tea is my thing, not beer. I grunt and gasp softly as I swerve to miss a car that I hadn't seen in result of my headache and the rainy night. The driver yells a few curses as he passes me by. I glare after him, then face the road again.
Lightning flashes across the bleak gray sky as I drive down the road. It's an awfully hot night, even with this icy rain. It's even wet in my car, if the wetness on my cheeks is anything to go by. Wait, my cheeks? I'm wet? My hand reaches up and softly strokes my cheek and I glance at it. Yup, wet. The glistening drop trickles down my fingers and more of the liquid trickles down my face. Tastes salty. Bah, stupid tears. Why the Hell am I crying anyway?
Her. The bitch.
A frown longs to twists my eyebrows and I hiss as I miss just another car. She haunts me even if I'm several miles away from her. Little bitch can't leave me alone. She just won't leave me alone.
~~~
"Excuse me? What did you say?"
"I know what you're going to do and you're an idiot for trying to do it," you hiss at me from across the table. My eyebrows knit in a frown as I lower the teacup down. You're one to talk, lecturing me about things I should and shouldn't do. My voice is bitingly cold when I answer, uncharacteristic, "Ara, are you worried about me?"
You falter, just like I thought you would, just like I knew you would. You always falter, turning those emerald green eyes away from my ruby ones. Your cobalt hair cascades away from the side of your head to shadow your expression. I don't have to see it to know that you're wearing that face of guilt again. I can feel it.
My hand knarls in a fist on the table. Why do you toy with me? Why do you torture me? You stay by my side but you hurt me all the more. Why do I stay with you then? Why do I let myself feel pain. Is my heart so weak that it yearns for you even though it shatters every time you speak. And you know it, you know you cause me pain, and you feel guilty about it. So you try to fix it, but your kindness only hurts me more. I want my heart to be safe.
"I...I...you know I...you..." your eyes glance up at me again, filled with such utter misery and guilt that it makes me cringe. Don't look at me like that. Please don't turn those innocent pained eyes on me like that. It hurts to see you like that and I just want to embrace you, to protect you from your sadness. But you'll only push me away, and my heart will shatter.
Your eyes plead for me to understand, plead for me to know that it can never be. All you want is to be normal, to finally be free from all ties that destroyed you in the past. One of those ties is me. But I can't let you go. And you can't break from my grasp. If this keeps on, we'll die from it. We'll perish from the pain and despair weaving around us. We'll waste away. And I don't want that, I don't want that fate for you. I swore I'd protect you, even if it's from myself.
My ruby eyes flick downward to my hands, curled around my teacup. The ticking of the clock on the drawer in the living room seems even louder than the thunder and rain outside. The babble of the voices from the TV has long since become a faded murmur in my head. I have to force myself to breathe, have to force back the tears. But one escapes my russet-tinged eyes and streams down my cheek, plopping soundlessly into my tea. My shoulders start to shake as more of the salty liquid escapes my bloody eyes.
"No...no please don't! Don't cry!" you yell, beginning to panic as you get up from the floor. You run to my side of the table and hesitantly touch my shoulder. Your hand only makes me sob more, shoulders shaking hard now. You flinch and draw your hand back. I'm disgusted. Disgusted at myself for being so weak and disgusted at you for being so frightened. I lower my face close to the table and bury it in my hands, wishing to hide these weak tears from you. You give a helpless cry and touch my shoulder again. When I don't give another hapless cry, you sigh in small relief and then tread closer. Your arms slip loosely around my shoulders and hold me gently. You press me to your stomach, cobalt hair just barely grazing my shoulders. I sob harder, pain twisting my gut and misery killing my sliver of a heart. You shudder and hold me tighter, resting your chin against my head. You whisper, "P-Please don't...don't cry. I-I don't know what to do...please."
You're not supposed to act like this, you're not supposed to act so kind. damnit! This hurts more than the slap and look of hate you should be sending me. I'm tainted, I'm twisted. You're supposed to hate me. It'd be easier that way. It'd be easier to let go. But you don't, just tighten your embrace and hold me close. And all I can do is cry. Because my heart is rejoicing and shattering.
~~~
How many weeks was that ago? I can't recall, a long time is all I know. My eyes suddenly snap from my dazed thinking as headlights blare in my vision. I yelp and pull harshly on the steering wheel as a truck looms in me. My car swerves to the side and off the road, ending in a screeching halt near the edge of the cliff. As soon as the car is steady, I scramble out of it, shaking from fear and adrenaline. My ruby eyes glance over at my car. Thankfully no damage seems to be done to the black Honda. My father would kill me, since the sleek mobile did not come cheap, even if he is the owner of a multi million dollar company.
Turning from the car, I glance at the sea beside the cliff’s edge. The horizon is tinged with gold, calling sunrise. The rain has let up and in the distance along the waves is the iridescent tinge of a rainbow. Despite my headache and stain of tears on my face, I can't help but smile at the sight. Closing my eyes as a gentle breeze whistles by, a tear streaks once again down my cheek. My hands close around the black scarf tied around my neck, twisting the soft material before letting go and clutching together against my sternum. They move softly to the left of my breastbone, staying there. A thump behind my bone makes me snap my eyes open. Another thump makes more tears fall. A third one makes me utter a desperate cry of unbearable misery. Several other thumps follow and my curled hands tremble against my chest. My heart still beats.
I slide to the ground, knees bending as my hands tremble and shake against my breastbone. My chestnut hair brushes my face as it veils my expression, tears cascading like liquid silver. Why does it still beat?
Please don't cry...
"You don't even know me! You don't even know who I am! You're not supposed to say those words! You're not supposed to act this way! Not supposed to act like you care!" I sob, body contorting down into a half-fatal curl. My eyes twist shut, "Don't hurt me! I swear if you hurt me I'll leap! I'll leap off these cliffs!"
Settle down, I know what you're going through. I wanted to jump before. Many times before.
"You don't. You don't know me," I whisper. My ruby eyes look up, expecting to see you standing before me. But all they catch is the rising sun. I shiver with misery as I stumble to my feet. Your voice still whispers to me, words inaudible.
It was going to get rough. You knew it.
"It's unbearable. It's unbearable now," I whimper softly, standing just beside my car's door. My eyes gaze solemnly at the horizon, feeling your presence even though you're so far away now. I sigh, eyes shutting softly closed. Slipping back into my car, I shut the door and turn it on, flipping back onto the road.
My body is tired from driving all night, my ruby eyes sunken in my face as my hands shudder against the wheel as I continue to drive. The pain is unbearable now. My heart is still beating but the rest of me is dead inside.
I know you're pleading to leap. Instead of doing it, come back to me.
I smile. Are you crazy? You don't even know me, not anymore. A sudden honking makes me look up and I stare wide-eyed at the truck looming in front of me. I wonder briefly why there's so many trucks out on the road. I don't have a second thought. Tugging harshly on my wheel, I swerve my car.
Don't!
I smirk. You don't care. You don't know me. I swore if I hurt you I'd die, but I never did really figure what would happen if you hurt me.
You're not supposed to do this! No matter how unbearable the misery gets!
Too bad. What's done is done. It's over. We played along, we played the game, but all the tricks are over.
The truck honks loudly and I smile again as my car speeds faster to it.
This is my self-conclusion.
Disclaimer: Once again, I don't own the characters in this piece. They belong to their respective company, Sunrise.
WARNING: Implied character death. Cursing. Implied one-sided slash. No flames please. Constructive criticism is welcome. PG-13.
Self-Conclusion
~~~
Someone once told me that the most beautiful thing in the world was to live life. What a sorry ass bitch. Life is Hell on Earth. Living isn't beautiful, it's torture. Those life lovers would probably kill me for saying that, damn hippies. Heh, I've probably already had too much to drink. Oh well. My hand grips the thick glass of the beer on the counter and brings it to my mouth. By now I've gotten used to the bitter taste, after having about eight of them. I'm surprised I'm not passed out on the floor yet, I never did hold my liquor well. A thud next to me makes my eyes glance sideways. A man who was sitting a couple of stools away from me just collapsed and started snoring on the floor. The bartender didn't look pleased. I shrugged it off, not my problem.
I turn back to my beer, feeling the liquid sear my throat as it washes down my mouth. Disgusting, but my body's become accustomed to it and it's now starting to crave it. I snarl and try not to hack out the bitter tart taste. The bartender looks at me from where he's washing a glass. He raises an eyebrow on his weathered face, blue-grey eyes and silver eyebrows setting into a frown, "Lass I think you've had enough."
I drink another large swallow from my large glass before I answer him. My ruby eyes are shut tight and my chestnut bangs veil my face partly. I pull back the glass and set him with as much a glare as I can in a drunken state, "Not enough 'til I'm passed out on the floor like that guy."
I gesture rather clumsily to the man snoring on the floor. The old bartender glances at him briefly, before setting his blue gaze back on me. He stares at me for a second, frown familiar to those of my professors at the university I go to. He looks like those old men lecturing the pupils when they've down something wrong. I grunt, unimpressed. His old gaze pierces into my drunken blood red one before he sighs, runs a hand through his cropped silver hair, and turns back to washing cups.
Bastard. I glare at his back before shuffling in my purse for the money I owe for those beer glasses. Pulling out enough bills, I rise to my feet. Maybe too quickly, I think as my hands reach shakily for the stool as the world spins briefly. My gasp attracts the bartender and he gives me an 'I told you so' look. I glare back again. By now even I have noticed my foul mood, as I walk to the door of the bar. My dark trench coat brushes by a few tables and chairs as I tug on my black scarf. I wish I hadn't worn one, it's far too hot this night.
Before I reach the handle of the door, the old man's voice rises above the noise of the bar, "Ey lass, you really shouldn't go off driving alone. You'll crash 'r something."
"To Hell with that," I snap back. Why should he care what happens to me? I don't. I crane my neck to give him another bloody glare, "You don't even know me."
Then I twist the knob and stumble out into the night, boots making too much noise for my aggravated head. Smoothing out the wrinkles in my pale yellow turtleneck and the creases in my dark jeans, I stride to my car, still stumbling all the way and climb in.
~~~
Rain pours down on the hood of my car as my ruby eyes strain to look through the front window of my car. Bad time to drive. Bad time to drink. damnit. My hand reaches up as my head starts to pound. Why did I decide to go out alone on this night? And why to a bar of all places? Tea is my thing, not beer. I grunt and gasp softly as I swerve to miss a car that I hadn't seen in result of my headache and the rainy night. The driver yells a few curses as he passes me by. I glare after him, then face the road again.
Lightning flashes across the bleak gray sky as I drive down the road. It's an awfully hot night, even with this icy rain. It's even wet in my car, if the wetness on my cheeks is anything to go by. Wait, my cheeks? I'm wet? My hand reaches up and softly strokes my cheek and I glance at it. Yup, wet. The glistening drop trickles down my fingers and more of the liquid trickles down my face. Tastes salty. Bah, stupid tears. Why the Hell am I crying anyway?
Her. The bitch.
A frown longs to twists my eyebrows and I hiss as I miss just another car. She haunts me even if I'm several miles away from her. Little bitch can't leave me alone. She just won't leave me alone.
~~~
"Excuse me? What did you say?"
"I know what you're going to do and you're an idiot for trying to do it," you hiss at me from across the table. My eyebrows knit in a frown as I lower the teacup down. You're one to talk, lecturing me about things I should and shouldn't do. My voice is bitingly cold when I answer, uncharacteristic, "Ara, are you worried about me?"
You falter, just like I thought you would, just like I knew you would. You always falter, turning those emerald green eyes away from my ruby ones. Your cobalt hair cascades away from the side of your head to shadow your expression. I don't have to see it to know that you're wearing that face of guilt again. I can feel it.
My hand knarls in a fist on the table. Why do you toy with me? Why do you torture me? You stay by my side but you hurt me all the more. Why do I stay with you then? Why do I let myself feel pain. Is my heart so weak that it yearns for you even though it shatters every time you speak. And you know it, you know you cause me pain, and you feel guilty about it. So you try to fix it, but your kindness only hurts me more. I want my heart to be safe.
"I...I...you know I...you..." your eyes glance up at me again, filled with such utter misery and guilt that it makes me cringe. Don't look at me like that. Please don't turn those innocent pained eyes on me like that. It hurts to see you like that and I just want to embrace you, to protect you from your sadness. But you'll only push me away, and my heart will shatter.
Your eyes plead for me to understand, plead for me to know that it can never be. All you want is to be normal, to finally be free from all ties that destroyed you in the past. One of those ties is me. But I can't let you go. And you can't break from my grasp. If this keeps on, we'll die from it. We'll perish from the pain and despair weaving around us. We'll waste away. And I don't want that, I don't want that fate for you. I swore I'd protect you, even if it's from myself.
My ruby eyes flick downward to my hands, curled around my teacup. The ticking of the clock on the drawer in the living room seems even louder than the thunder and rain outside. The babble of the voices from the TV has long since become a faded murmur in my head. I have to force myself to breathe, have to force back the tears. But one escapes my russet-tinged eyes and streams down my cheek, plopping soundlessly into my tea. My shoulders start to shake as more of the salty liquid escapes my bloody eyes.
"No...no please don't! Don't cry!" you yell, beginning to panic as you get up from the floor. You run to my side of the table and hesitantly touch my shoulder. Your hand only makes me sob more, shoulders shaking hard now. You flinch and draw your hand back. I'm disgusted. Disgusted at myself for being so weak and disgusted at you for being so frightened. I lower my face close to the table and bury it in my hands, wishing to hide these weak tears from you. You give a helpless cry and touch my shoulder again. When I don't give another hapless cry, you sigh in small relief and then tread closer. Your arms slip loosely around my shoulders and hold me gently. You press me to your stomach, cobalt hair just barely grazing my shoulders. I sob harder, pain twisting my gut and misery killing my sliver of a heart. You shudder and hold me tighter, resting your chin against my head. You whisper, "P-Please don't...don't cry. I-I don't know what to do...please."
You're not supposed to act like this, you're not supposed to act so kind. damnit! This hurts more than the slap and look of hate you should be sending me. I'm tainted, I'm twisted. You're supposed to hate me. It'd be easier that way. It'd be easier to let go. But you don't, just tighten your embrace and hold me close. And all I can do is cry. Because my heart is rejoicing and shattering.
~~~
How many weeks was that ago? I can't recall, a long time is all I know. My eyes suddenly snap from my dazed thinking as headlights blare in my vision. I yelp and pull harshly on the steering wheel as a truck looms in me. My car swerves to the side and off the road, ending in a screeching halt near the edge of the cliff. As soon as the car is steady, I scramble out of it, shaking from fear and adrenaline. My ruby eyes glance over at my car. Thankfully no damage seems to be done to the black Honda. My father would kill me, since the sleek mobile did not come cheap, even if he is the owner of a multi million dollar company.
Turning from the car, I glance at the sea beside the cliff’s edge. The horizon is tinged with gold, calling sunrise. The rain has let up and in the distance along the waves is the iridescent tinge of a rainbow. Despite my headache and stain of tears on my face, I can't help but smile at the sight. Closing my eyes as a gentle breeze whistles by, a tear streaks once again down my cheek. My hands close around the black scarf tied around my neck, twisting the soft material before letting go and clutching together against my sternum. They move softly to the left of my breastbone, staying there. A thump behind my bone makes me snap my eyes open. Another thump makes more tears fall. A third one makes me utter a desperate cry of unbearable misery. Several other thumps follow and my curled hands tremble against my chest. My heart still beats.
I slide to the ground, knees bending as my hands tremble and shake against my breastbone. My chestnut hair brushes my face as it veils my expression, tears cascading like liquid silver. Why does it still beat?
Please don't cry...
"You don't even know me! You don't even know who I am! You're not supposed to say those words! You're not supposed to act this way! Not supposed to act like you care!" I sob, body contorting down into a half-fatal curl. My eyes twist shut, "Don't hurt me! I swear if you hurt me I'll leap! I'll leap off these cliffs!"
Settle down, I know what you're going through. I wanted to jump before. Many times before.
"You don't. You don't know me," I whisper. My ruby eyes look up, expecting to see you standing before me. But all they catch is the rising sun. I shiver with misery as I stumble to my feet. Your voice still whispers to me, words inaudible.
It was going to get rough. You knew it.
"It's unbearable. It's unbearable now," I whimper softly, standing just beside my car's door. My eyes gaze solemnly at the horizon, feeling your presence even though you're so far away now. I sigh, eyes shutting softly closed. Slipping back into my car, I shut the door and turn it on, flipping back onto the road.
My body is tired from driving all night, my ruby eyes sunken in my face as my hands shudder against the wheel as I continue to drive. The pain is unbearable now. My heart is still beating but the rest of me is dead inside.
I know you're pleading to leap. Instead of doing it, come back to me.
I smile. Are you crazy? You don't even know me, not anymore. A sudden honking makes me look up and I stare wide-eyed at the truck looming in front of me. I wonder briefly why there's so many trucks out on the road. I don't have a second thought. Tugging harshly on my wheel, I swerve my car.
Don't!
I smirk. You don't care. You don't know me. I swore if I hurt you I'd die, but I never did really figure what would happen if you hurt me.
You're not supposed to do this! No matter how unbearable the misery gets!
Too bad. What's done is done. It's over. We played along, we played the game, but all the tricks are over.
The truck honks loudly and I smile again as my car speeds faster to it.
This is my self-conclusion.
![l.ast of the [wild]s Avatar](http://i224.photobucket.com/albums/dd249/eternity_x/shiznatavvie.jpg)
Don't commit suicide. I just wrote this because the character I killed off, I completely love. The relationship of the two is quite complicated, and it occurred to me that in all the fanfics I've written, the character has only been shown to try and commit suicide in one. Which is strange, because the unrequited love has been going on for 3-4+ years. I'm rambling...